Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip