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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old