Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.