“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.