-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.