I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
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I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring