What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
good work, detective
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.