HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“what’s it like having a sister?”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine