I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.