I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf