If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
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Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough