Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
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I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back