Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
God has left this place
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Yup.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.