These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
You Might Also Like
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Just a reminder, folks:
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!