Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
#oldknees
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.