imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table