In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
getting corrected
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite