U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Simple enough.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*