[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.