Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
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Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
selfie game
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?