I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
You Might Also Like
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.