sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle