I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.