My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
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Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?