Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
You Might Also Like
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
What the hell happened in there??
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
*checks Timeline*…
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I love you to the refrigerator and back
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.