A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
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Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma