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I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Hitlers gonna hitl
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family