No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
You Might Also Like
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.