[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
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Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
From my Mom
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
In space, no one can hear…
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Black Friday “markdowns” like