I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Feels like the fourth month in January
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
yall want some gasoline milk
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”