Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Breaking news:
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪