I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
The real reason evolution started..😂
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
giddy up Office Depot
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.