my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
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Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
no one likes gloating
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Leonardo DiCaprisun
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!