Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”