“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
welcome back
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.