I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Saturday
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
next level snooze
Free him
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way