[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
☺️
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings