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Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
love it when they get my name right
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.