New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
😎 🍻
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing