Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
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My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it