The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
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[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.