*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.