Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
That’s not how days work.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Just as the prophecy foretold
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!