Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
President The Rock Obama
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work