a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
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Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Y’all know who you are.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.