A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
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[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.