{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
The cashier just checked me out.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax