remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
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I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.