Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
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Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
boat question
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
shut up and take my money
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.