Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
That’s amazing.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN